Ugh..what a chore!

I thought 10+ yrs ago when I quit using hard drugs that I had a difficult time. This is ridiculous. I started my journey on May 1st of this year after being gently badgered by my wonderful boyfriend for months to quit. He started the journey with me and we both worked very hard at it!

One day I noticed that things weren't as smooth in our relationship as they normally are, and asked why we were fighting so much. Shortly thereafter Chris came to me and admitted that he had been having a puff here and there at work and it must be getting to him. I tried to be as understanding as possible....then he came home with a pack. I lasted a few days...I made him go outside and I stayed in while I knew what he was doing. It only took a couple of days though...I insisted one day that he tell me where he was stashing the smokes and while he was sleeping I sneaked a puff. I felt so guilty! 2 whole months of nothing...now I've done it again! I hurried and put the smoke out and vowed never to look towards that abusive lover ever again. All I could think about after that first puff was that I might as well have another...everyone says that once you have 1 puff you are back to the beginning and have to do all that work all over again. PLEASE DON'T EVER TELL A PERSON WHO IS TRYING TO QUIT THIS!! I mind fucked myself back into addiction. I had gotten myself to the point where there were days that I didn't think about cigarettes, let alone smoking one. Then the cough came back. The cough that made Chris hassle me to quit in the first place. Then I noticed all the things we could get without having to pay for smokes all the time. I also noticed that now that I was smoking again...I couldn't afford to take our animals to the vet AND get their medications at the same time. Where is all this extra money going you ask? I'm slowly killing myself with smoking. Bah!

3 days ago I took a stand again. I only have nicorette lozenges this time to help me, where last time I had gum and it was much more helpful. The lozenges hurt my mouth, but they are strong enough to help take away any craving!

Yesterday I had to go out...anyone who knows me knows that this doesn't happen often. Those of you who know me know the issues I am working on right now besides smoking. I had to go out though to see my Dr. The meeting didn't go very well, and I was totally set to buy a pack and throw it all away again...before I really started. Thankfully on my way to the store, I had to walk passed a bar where 5 men were sitting outside smoking the cheap cheap brand of cigs. I retched at the smell and turned immediately to my bus stop...that was an effective cure for a craving!

Today is the first full day (at 1:38pm) that I have gotten through (so far) and not smoked. It has been a roller coaster ride....but I will NOT give in this time. I woke up when Chris came home and my day started nice enough with him...but once I was out of bed and realized the single most daunting task ahead of me for the day....Queen Shiva came out, and Chris went to bed very shortly thereafter. Today I tried gaming on the PS3 (Fallout 3) to keep my mind occupied. It worked, till I got lost, then I got angry again. So I went outside...that always makes me feel better. All I could see were cig remnants...I guess I was looking for it, because my yard is mostly clean really. So I went to my backyard and had a fire, because fires ALWAYS make me feel better. I burned 4 skids and all the garbage cardboard piled around the fire pit...as well as the fire pit full of burrs that Anne pulled. Still I didn't feel better. All the while I was sucking madly on one of those darn lozenges...which made my mouth and throat feel funny but I was missing that oral fixation. Or maybe it's something to do with my hands. I came online and started blogging and I feel much better (for now)

I think I might just try to nap part of the day away...it seems to be taking a long time to pass. peace out