OK...no I know I can't have a little drag or two here or there. Then I am not really quitting smoking, I am cutting back. Fine. This is difficult, but I will do it. I am ready. I don't want to have this addiction holding me back anymore. I'm struggling, but I know it can be done. I see examples every day. I just have to remind myself...why am I doing this? I am doing this so that I can live a longer and happier life. I am doing this so that I won't smell anymore. I am doing this so that my poor lungs may become pink again. I am also doing this for all the money I will save. I want to quit smoking so that my cooking will taste better. I want to quit smoking so that I can do harder things with less effort. Breathe. BREATHE...ok. The moment is over

Yup...my man works nights...

Sometimes him working nights means a little bit of inconvenience for me. I am the type of person to take 3-4hrs drinking coffee and waking up. Even when I am not on leave, I will wake up early enough to have my ritual. This morning Chris came in and woke me very nicely as he always does. He is always happy to see me and I am always happy to see him. This morning he reminds me that his friend is coming over for one of their after work get togethers...yes of course I had forgotten and was instantly cranky about it. We ended out spending most of the time out in the back with the dog...the men controlled the fire and cooking which was cool. I wasn't even tempted to smoke, so that is deffinate progress! So I spent my morning, drinking a pot of coffee (Which I know I shouldn't be doing) and watching the guys cook on a fire. Interesting, but nice....quiet and alone is always the best, but it is what you make of it after all. I got some nice shots of blooms that my friend Della bought me and my friend Anne and I put some Morning Glories on the fallen Weeping Willow out back...I am pretty sure I can upload photo's here, I will try.....later. So I saved the entry till I had the photos. And I ended out getting the photos fairly quickly. I've found I have to distract myself a lot...usually with flowers as you can see.

Whew...after weekend post

Took a road trip with my man this weekend. That is always interesting in itself because neither of us drive...although he does have his licence. As soon as he got nervous in the car he was chainsmoking...and at first I gave it a good try, but there is only so much gum you can chew while breathing in second hand smoke anyways. So I caved, and took a couple of drags every few hours over the weekend. I am back to being a good girl now again though.

The trip was to visit my mother. It went well and we were happy to see each other. She lives in a wonderful area on the Niagara escarpment. So Chris and I took a few hikes, and we relaxed and watched movies. It was a very mellow weekend, and I am glad for it!

Still going

Today was a different sort of morning. I was given time to have 1 coffee and do morning things but in a lot less time than usual. I was out the door by 8:50am with Chris for a trip to the pharmacy. Chris is getting more and more used to smoking in front of my without me smoking...He's only forgotten once and lit up inside tho. Kudos for that! I know I have done it in other people's homes before. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this tummy med that we picked up will work for chris' stones...he is in so much pain all the time. Now I think I am going to take a nap instead of doing dishes.....they will be there later.

Karma...is it real?

This morning I had a talk with Chris and because he is so tired after working all night that I will go grocery shopping on my own. It's a big deal for me. I don't drive, and I don't tolerate strangers well. So I talked myself into smoking a refry that Chris had left on the stairs. While I was smoking I was coughing and thinking this is gross...but I was still smoking all that was there.

So I get to the grocery store and there are too many people around to concentrate on my shopping list or the sale flyer...I get very anxious in crowds. I was able to get *almost* everything I needed and I still have enough for fuel to see mom this weekend YAAAYYYYYYY..I miss my mommy! Anyways, sometimes I have to be a bad girl when I grocery shop and don't have a ride, I take the cart home with me. There is a man who patrols the apartment buildings next door and he brings back all the abandoned carts. On the way home I fell because there was no slope to go down the curb and I scraped my knee....more hurt pride than anything. So I get my things inside to realize that I lost my container of laundry soap along the way somewhere...probably where I fell. So I walked all the way back to get it and home again. Now I am sitting with a not so fresh cup of coffee and finally relaxing....mmmm

ok, here is the start of my day

I am on coffee number 2. It is 12:28pm...so I guess morning is over without having had the chance to enjoy it. My poor Chris has terrible Gall Stone attacks and because they are so painful it makes him a bit crusty sometimes...if no one else can understand that I know I can. So this morning started with a fight which I ended by agreeing to go to the grocery store by myself because we have nothing left in the house. Chris promptly went to bed, I'm sure he needs his rest feeling so unwell all the time. He can't get in to see his "specialist/general surgeon" until November! The only thing we can do until then is wait and see if he gets severe jaundice (which means his bile duct is blocked) then he has to be rushed in for emergency surgery.

So I am still a non smoker....can't remember if I wrote about it but last night I reshaped the fire pit so that I can perfectly and easily grill on a real fire now! Makes me happy! Part of my distraction for today is to go grocery shopping. If I go by myself, I will go nice and slow and enjoy all the plants on my way by and make sure that I get everything I need at the grocery store. When it is time to empty my cart into my car...there will be no car there, so I will just drive the cart home. If my upstairs neighbour comes with me, we will probably split on a cab to get home instead of trying to control grocery carts on 40 degree angle road. Let's see what other shannannagan's I can come up with today.

Why do people who avoid drama seem to attract it instead?

I've heard something along thing lines of...if you concentrate on it long enough...eventually it will happen. I suppose it's time to change the way I think about several things. First smoking...It is NOT my friend EVER. Second would be "I'm a smoker" no I'm not...I am what I make of myself, lately I'm not too pleased at the outcome. I'm doing the best with what I have...dare I say...with the world today, it's hard to make a change or an impact in any way. So I just change how I live and be grateful for the life I have. The last year or so, I have fallen out of exercising regularly, which means I have a few extra rolls again. That's not a bad thing considering I have no money to buy food...I'll be back in a 6 in no time! This isn't helping me to feel better today...sorry such a sad state....later will be better.

OK, enough already

Yes I am still a non-smoker. Yes I am going to stay that way. Could I buy smokes even if I wanted to? no. Anyways...It's getting easier to be a non smoker than I thought. I think because I quit again so soon after semi starting up again. I find myself putting a piece of gum in my mouth more just in case rather than because I need it....I should stop that. If I had any plans for today they are all washed down the drain...turns out this is the one day of the month that I do NOTHING. I started my period for those of you who don't understand woman speak. I am going to crawl into my pull out bed layered in pillows and get Chris to fill up hot water bottles as I watch movies and try to do as little as possible because even breathing hurts. Off I go now. Peace!

*sigh*

Today hasn't been too bad so far. Chris woke me when he got home at 4am...maybe earlier...I promptly went back to sleep. He woke me again when it was time to war just before 8. That was alright. (Cyber) War in the morning is always fun! The quitting smoking has become much easier since Chris brought me home that gum. I'm much easier to be around...I think. Other people still react to me as though I'm giving attitude, I don't feel it and I don't mean it. Maybe I should make a sign to hang around my neck that says "I just quit smoking please excuse my unintentional bitchiness that may lead to insane screaming/crying..." what do you think? Uhm...it's only 10am here...haven't found much to do. I want to go out and finish the project I started on the fire pit the other day, sadly injuries gotten while doing said project stand in the way. Maybe I'll learn to be a lefty till my right one heals? There is always laundry and dishes...

*sigh*

Well of course I want to eat more..I need something in my hand as I bring it to my mouth. Thing about that is that I am about as heavy as I'd like to be. I did a lot of work out in the yard today, so I know that helped. I always try to get a good sweat on for at least a half hour a day.
I got a call from WONDERFUL Chris...he is bringing me home nicotine gum and he is getting himself the patch. Sounds like he is going to give it another go! I'm excited, and I hope he is ready. But I will be patient either way. Nite for now

there is no way that smoking can be seen as a positive thing...

Whew

Well I came to terms for myself today...I know that I love Chris whether he smokes or not...as long as he does his best to not make me breathe 2nd hand smoke. So I woke him up to get ready for work tonight, and we were going to do our normal routine, which includes a smoke...he offered to take care of that first so I didn't have to see it or be tempted. I told him that for this time I am alright and I will let him know if I am having an issue in the future....ahh relief...Chris just agreed to get me nicorette gum so I have an easier time of it. I'm proud of how strong I was to be able to sit with him while he smoked. It didn't make me angry, I didn't actually want it. There is the mind fuck factor with smokes....and I don't allow that demon control anymore. Goodnight folks

Whew....Tired...

Today I haven't noticed the lack of nicotine at all because I've worked really hard out in the yard. I have a huge fire pit which takes forever to build up embers just to have burgers for dinner. So I dug a pit running out from one side of the pit (where the picnic table was until it died)....little did I realize before I started this journey that the soil is actually mostly a dirt bed. I forgot there used to be a structure out there...it was gone before I came. then I put all the rocks that I came across into a barrel to use later. And with the extra dirt I had...I worked a little on a path that is supposed to look like some ancient trail...hopefully people will get it when it's done. I am now doing laundry...

It seems, it doesn't really matter what you do as long as you switch it up and keep your mind occupied!! Let's see how things go :)

Ugh..what a chore!

I thought 10+ yrs ago when I quit using hard drugs that I had a difficult time. This is ridiculous. I started my journey on May 1st of this year after being gently badgered by my wonderful boyfriend for months to quit. He started the journey with me and we both worked very hard at it!

One day I noticed that things weren't as smooth in our relationship as they normally are, and asked why we were fighting so much. Shortly thereafter Chris came to me and admitted that he had been having a puff here and there at work and it must be getting to him. I tried to be as understanding as possible....then he came home with a pack. I lasted a few days...I made him go outside and I stayed in while I knew what he was doing. It only took a couple of days though...I insisted one day that he tell me where he was stashing the smokes and while he was sleeping I sneaked a puff. I felt so guilty! 2 whole months of nothing...now I've done it again! I hurried and put the smoke out and vowed never to look towards that abusive lover ever again. All I could think about after that first puff was that I might as well have another...everyone says that once you have 1 puff you are back to the beginning and have to do all that work all over again. PLEASE DON'T EVER TELL A PERSON WHO IS TRYING TO QUIT THIS!! I mind fucked myself back into addiction. I had gotten myself to the point where there were days that I didn't think about cigarettes, let alone smoking one. Then the cough came back. The cough that made Chris hassle me to quit in the first place. Then I noticed all the things we could get without having to pay for smokes all the time. I also noticed that now that I was smoking again...I couldn't afford to take our animals to the vet AND get their medications at the same time. Where is all this extra money going you ask? I'm slowly killing myself with smoking. Bah!

3 days ago I took a stand again. I only have nicorette lozenges this time to help me, where last time I had gum and it was much more helpful. The lozenges hurt my mouth, but they are strong enough to help take away any craving!

Yesterday I had to go out...anyone who knows me knows that this doesn't happen often. Those of you who know me know the issues I am working on right now besides smoking. I had to go out though to see my Dr. The meeting didn't go very well, and I was totally set to buy a pack and throw it all away again...before I really started. Thankfully on my way to the store, I had to walk passed a bar where 5 men were sitting outside smoking the cheap cheap brand of cigs. I retched at the smell and turned immediately to my bus stop...that was an effective cure for a craving!

Today is the first full day (at 1:38pm) that I have gotten through (so far) and not smoked. It has been a roller coaster ride....but I will NOT give in this time. I woke up when Chris came home and my day started nice enough with him...but once I was out of bed and realized the single most daunting task ahead of me for the day....Queen Shiva came out, and Chris went to bed very shortly thereafter. Today I tried gaming on the PS3 (Fallout 3) to keep my mind occupied. It worked, till I got lost, then I got angry again. So I went outside...that always makes me feel better. All I could see were cig remnants...I guess I was looking for it, because my yard is mostly clean really. So I went to my backyard and had a fire, because fires ALWAYS make me feel better. I burned 4 skids and all the garbage cardboard piled around the fire pit...as well as the fire pit full of burrs that Anne pulled. Still I didn't feel better. All the while I was sucking madly on one of those darn lozenges...which made my mouth and throat feel funny but I was missing that oral fixation. Or maybe it's something to do with my hands. I came online and started blogging and I feel much better (for now)

I think I might just try to nap part of the day away...it seems to be taking a long time to pass. peace out